


Loved Without Condition

by LostSoftSpaceDyke



Category: Good Omens (TV), Good Omens - Neil Gaiman & Terry Pratchett
Genre: Angel Crowley (Good Omens), Ineffable Husbands (Good Omens), M/M, Pre-Fall (Good Omens), Starts sad, ends happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-12
Updated: 2019-08-12
Packaged: 2020-08-19 17:47:31
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 901
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20213785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LostSoftSpaceDyke/pseuds/LostSoftSpaceDyke
Summary: Crowley put the stars in the sky in Her name, had given a piece of himself to bring Her joy, but it had never been enough.Now he has nothing left to give but Aziraphale loves him all the same.





	Loved Without Condition

He remembers each and every star by name. In a previous life he'd visited them, made sure they were still developing, comforted those that were dying and sat amongst galaxies to map out their rebirth. His work had shaped the very image of Heaven, inspired angels and humans alike. He never cared about the recognition. Rather, he saw the beauty in space's infinite chaos. Days would pass with him lost, drifting further and further from his usual heavenly company. At peace in his loneliness. He was left with only his thoughts and his own creation, both infinite in their variety and passion. 

At first, he'd breathed every star to life in God's name. He saw the delicacy, the unknowable beauty in each individual atom as he stitched them together with time and gravity and sheer force of will. Each stone, each body of water, each precursor of life he'd built for Her. He hadn't asked for Her appreciation, nor Her love, but he'd received it anyways. He thought it would be eternal. He thought that for as long as he lived he would be loved, by Her, through the beauty of his work. He had no reason to believe otherwise.

She had liked them,  _ loved  _ them. 

She had basked in their warmth.

She had breathed their air.

She had marvelled at their beauty.

She had revelled in their unkempt power. 

She had done so until they were no longer enough, until his eternal devotion, presented to her through his life's work, through the sweat of his infinite labour, was no longer sufficient. Her love had ended just as quickly as it had begun. With a single mistake, miniscule in the grand scheme of his infinite years of devotion, he had been cast out.  _ The LORD gave and the LORD hath taken away. _

How cruel it had been to have him watch them, to have him recite in his mind their names, as he fell. How crueler still to have him still remember them for he still remembered each and every touch, each and every calculation, each and every ounce of love poured into his eternal creation. Had he the power, he could have created them again, used his new creation to beg for her mercy.

How foolish he had been to believe that a gift so miniscule in comparison to the magnitude of Her work would have been sufficient to secure Her love. 

…………………….

When he finally awoke it was as if a spell were broken and he’d seen Her, in Her darkness, for the first time. She was so like his creation; beautiful and awe inspiring but filled with innumerous dangerous, brimming with ineffable risk. He had flown too close, spent too long by Her side, too long desperate for Her attention. He knew of others to whom this had happened, but had they created for Her a landscape of never-ending beauty, the potential for further creation, for life? He believed he was untouchable. He was destined to be in Her good graces. 

Then he finally looked up, felt the harsh heat on his damaged wings.  _ O LORD, why doth thy wrath wax hot against thy people? _

He stared into Her very soul then and felt Her stare back. Awash with emotion, sitting on a barren planet and riddled with pain, his anger became the only thing that kept him from slipping back into unconsciousness. The sun burned his face as it once had his fingers when he’d created it himself. He looks to his hands, sees new burns atop old scars, and wonders if She’d ever truly appreciated how much of himself had been lost to provide every one of those infinite creations. He wonders if She knows that he would have once sacrificed his very being in devotion. 

“Do you even know their names?” he questions. “Do you even know mine?”

She never would answer.

After all, he had been cast out for such similar questions.

…………………….

He looks up now, basks in the warmth of one of an infinite amount of stars he'd put in place. But this one, he feels, is  _ theirs _ . And Crowley knows in that moment that had they known each other in heaven, he would have put up every star in the sky in Aziraphale's name, introduced him to every one of them individually and hoped that it would express how very infinitely he loved him. Loving Aziraphale was one of the few things he genuinely believed he could do for an eternity.

He promises Aziraphale then to show him each and every one, to name them individually in a way that only he can. He promises to provide him with every intimate detail of their creation. He promises him that each and every one could be theirs,  _ is _ theirs if only to them, if only in stolen moments like these when neither side will truly bother them.

When he hears his name on Aziraphale’s tongue, the adoration in it despite how little he has to give in return, he knows for the first time that he is truly loved without condition. 

He is drifting further and further away from his usual demonic company, and Aziraphale the same.  _ Meeting in the middle _ , Aziraphale had once said in a whispered tone between kisses that ached like prayers. 

In the middle was just  _ them  _ and everything  _ they  _ entailed. 

  
At last, he was at peace in  _ his _ company.

**Author's Note:**

> Ever since I wrote Catharsis, I've realized I have a lot more thoughts on Crowley's relationship with God than I could really express in one story. This one is shorter than my usual one-shots (and those are already kind of short). It's also a slightly different style to my usual way of writing so please let me know how it is in the comments. I'm curious to see if people like this style.


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